GRIM GOZZOTH: Welcome to Goat Demon Blood Sword hosted by Grim Gozzoth, the only interview that features a goblin that has destroyed multiple villages and is the number one collector of elf scalps in the southeast. Today’s guest is delusional writer guy, battle bard, and whiskey bottle berserker Michael R. Fletcher!
MICHAEL R. FLETCHER: Blood and Souls for my Lord Arioch!
Hey, what’s up?
It’s 5am so I’m mostly sober. Are we killing things today? Wait. How did I get here?
GG: Many writerly types often encounter the Curtain of Enveloping Despair, a parasitic entity that enshrouds their being and teleports them to the Zinstraki Outworld. How have you dealt with this experience yourself?
MRF: Oh hell yes! Being an author is basically being a porta-potty for the world. You smell bad, and everyone thinks they can use you for free.
Personally I have found an unhealthy amount of Jameson whiskey murders that part of my brain capable of despair. The amount and duration of dosing varies with how big a loaf the publishing world has squatted on you. Say your publisher decides that, in spite of rave reviews, your book isn’t selling and they’re not interested in the sequel. That will require an entire 26 ounce bottle (about 750 millilitres) per week for at least two months. Combine that with bad late night TV and you have a recipe for guttered emptiness far preferable to soul-crushing misery.
GG: I have a question from a 2nd Tier Carrion God: “Blor deltek glom govra?”
MRF: Seriously? That again? Look, I was young and I needed the money. Do we really have to bring this shit up every time?
GG: When fighting a human-corpse-angel chimera, what is the best weapon to use?
MRF: Personally I’d go with a really comfortable set of New Balance running shoes.
But sometimes flight is not an option. Like when the fucker steals the last of your salted caramel chocolates. In this case a grilled cheese sandwich made with a Chardonnay Dijon mustard and cave-aged Gruyère is prolly your best bet. Distract it with the sandwich and then stab the fucker with your butter knife. It won’t really hurt the monster, but it’ll be so embarrassed at being shanked by a butter knife it’ll leave. Remember to brown the butter.
GG: You have an obsession with mirrors, especially ones that leak blood and viscera on the Fourth Day of the Hollow Harvest. Why is that?
MRF: No I don’t. I’m fine.
I like breaking people. Shattering them. Reducing them to their component parts. Real people are too complex to make good characters. If you want a character people can relate to, you have to take someone real and shred them until you find that one tasty nugget of their behaviour. In Beyond Redemption Wichtig, Konig, and Erbrechen (the Slaver) were all based on one real person. He had many harvestable qualities. I carved each one from his soul and made it real, gave it life. It was a messy process.
I’m obsessed with personality, what makes us us.
GG: What is your current favorite TV show?
MRF: Uh… I’ve been enjoying Dark Matter. I don’t watch much TV cuz I’m too busy writing and editing. And my wife and I have slowly been getting caught up on Game of Thrones. I really wanted to like the Lethal Weapon series but it was awful and can only be watched when extremely drunk.
GG: Gargle a unicorn’s last tears or gurgle from your throat hole for one year?
MRF: Unicorn tears for sure. Hell, I’d do that just to watch the horror on Rob Matheny’s face. There’s nothing sweeter than ravaging someone’s deepest, most heartfelt joy.
GG: If you were to prepare a roasted elf head to present to your newest Burzmouth war council, how would you season it?
MRF: I’m a crap cook. The only thing I know for sure is that if I use garlic powder my wife will kick my ass all over the place. Apparently it’s some kind of cardinal sin. It’s gotta be real garlic.
That said, I do hate elves. I’d probably roast low and slow it at 250F for about four hours. Toss all your veggies in there potatoes, carrots, troll toe fungus) and let it cook in the elf brain juices.
GG: Tell us a tale of 200,000 words.
MRF: There once was a novel of 200,000 words. It was long and bloated and had too many POV characters that did nothing for the story. It had chapters and chapters of people eating lunch and walking somewhere.
Then, one day, a brave writer tackled that novel. She dragged it down and hog-tied the fucker, butchering it with her +5 Sword of Vorpal Editing. She kicked its story lines in the plums with her mighty +3 Boots of Foreshadowing. She carved it apart, left it tight and zinging with tension.
Knowing that publishing as a dude was more likely to lead to success, she found a whitey-white average Anglo name for herself. Because her nerd step-brother was so whitey-white average looking, she got him to pose for author pictures and do any live interviews for her. She even made him read her books so he could talk about them semi-intelligently. He thought they were okay but a little strange.
Sometimes she even told people what she’d done because no one would ever believe her.
GG: Lastly, tell us about yourself and your books!
MRF: What? Uh… I’m this average whitey-white dude with a taste for dark fantasy and science fiction novels.
My books so far…
The Manifest Delusions novels, where insanity defines reality:
Beyond Redemption (Harper Voyager, 2015)
The Mirror’s Truth (Self-Published, 2017)
Swarm and Steel (SkyHorse, 2017)
Ghosts of Tomorrow (standalone science fiction, self-published, 2017)
You can find me at…